Sometimes winning and argument is actually losing. Is it worth it, is the question? Sometimes we fight so hard to be right that we are missing what the underlying issue really is. Most of the time the thing you are arguing about is the not the thing. It is just the thing that was a trigger.
But if we are fighting to prove our point you may end up missing what’s really going on. Is it more important to be right? Or is it more important to come to a peaceable solution that could potentially alleviate future arguments and get to the root of what’s really going on?
I was talking to someone and they said that after an argument with their mate they are always the one to go back and apologize or try to restart the conversation in a different way. They stated that they were tired of doing that and they were tired of being the bigger person. I simply stated to them that if that was the case then just make this the end of the relationship. (Harsh statement right? But I needed them to see a different point of view.
Relationships are about compromise and we all grow at a different pace and someone has to start the conversation. If you are the one who knows better, then you need to start that conversation.
The key to all of this is PERSPECTIVE. Each party is trying to get the other to see their point of view, which is natural. The problem is, in the midst of the yelling and heightened emotions nothing gets accomplished
My daughter told me one day that her teacher told them “don’t yell, just get a better argument”. Makes sense to me:)
Here are some tips to help you argue better:
- Pay attention to what actually triggered the argument.
- Start with a peaceful mindset going into it, think of it as a discussion.
- Know that your end goal is to resolve the disagreement, not just be right.(If you go into it trying to prove a point you already have the wrong mindset)
- Speak to the other person in a kind and respectful way.
- No one can make you angry, that is a choice and only you are responsible for your response. ( You may not like what is being said, but remember to listen with the intent of a resolution)
There are times when you won’t always agree. But, you have to come up with a way to bring it to a resolve and to figure out ways that work for each party. Nothing is going to get accomplished while you are in the throws of the disagreement. Sometimes you have to take a step back, regroup and then come back and start again with a different approach. (And because you are reading this, you may have to be the bigger person)
One of the things you could do is set some ground rules to fight fair. You know like, not saying things that you know will potentially scar the other person emotionally and other ones that you know frequently come up and are damaging to the relationship. Whoever said words don’t hurt, was not telling the truth. Words hurt and they scar. So have a safe zone regarding the words you speak.